My Toilet Won't Flush!

Okay, so I/We have a serious/real/big problem. The toilet just won't flush/work/drain. It keeps backing up/There's a blockage/Nothing's going down. I've already tried flushing it repeatedly/pushing on the handle/plunging but nothing seems to help/make a difference/fix it. This is getting really annoying/totally unbearable/a major pain. I need to

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